maybe I don't want to.

I have one tattoo.  It's on my hip and you can hardly see it, even in a bikini.  

my only regret is the design (or lack there of)

I haven't committed to it yet, but my dream tattoo is much bolder.  I'm getting one sketched out right now that has these flowers (greyscale).

I am in love with these flowers

The plan is to get an assortment of these, starting by covering the AJ tattoo and going up my right ribcage.  Then i'll spell out anthony joseph falco in a nice script around the outline of a few petals, and larger text wrapped around the entire image saying:

todos pasa por una razon

[everything happens for a reason]

Based on my life experiences, I have to remember this phrase while I question my bad luck and misfortunes (as well as the undeserved, incredbily fantastic moments) that I have encountered. While studying abroad in Costa Rica, I learned the beautiful language and grew fond of this saying.  Why else would I take the chance at traveling to another country with thirty students I didn't know, to live with a spanish-speaking family that I have never met?  Because it was WORTH IT, and the most rewarding experience of my life.  

Obviously I'd prefer only good things happen for a reason; who wants to justify the bad?  But I've learned that while I may not know the reason while things are happening, in time I will (and have thus far) appreciate all the cards I have been dealt, and consider them all challenging learning-experiences. 

I hope I've rode the rockiest road of my life so far, and the rest will be smooth sailing, but who am I kidding?  It's all made me who I am, and I have no regrets.  I believe that I'm growing into a strong woman, and an extremely independent one.  Things don't get easier, but you learn how to handle them over time.  It's the only way to find good in a bad situation --  to walk away a better person, confident that you handled it well, and determined to do it right should you ever go through it again. 

Bad things happen to good people because they are the ones strong enough to deal with it. It's God's way of using them as examples, so others can learn from it. 

I have been fortunate to have my own personal strength as well as the support system I need through some incredilbly tough times.  And let me tell you, it's the people you least expect that come out of the woodworks and help you more than you know -- at least in my experience.  My high school enemy (it's hilarious calling you that now) was MY ROCK when my home burned down in 2010.  When I took a huge risk and broke up with my ex in 2011 while our things were loaded in a moving truck together, a friend I randomly met at a car show years earlier spent so much time keeping my mind off things.  He made living with my parents for those few weeks bearable and reassured me that this wasn't my typical behavior, and reminded of my confidence.  I would bounce back better than ever.  [thank you both]

It's not until you go through something traumatic that you know just how life-altering it can be, and how impossible it can be to "move on."  Unfortunately, even the people who are there for you eventually forget that your tragedy happened and make you feel like you should be "over it."  It becomes old news to them, which is ironically both understandable and infuriating. 

I've been commended on my strength and ability to come out on top after the challenges I have faced.  This recognition means the world  to me and I truly take pride in it. And yet, sometimes I feel suffocated by all of the support.  Sometimes you just want to be weak, to be able to cry and drown yourself in your sorrows.  

I have a tough time accepting sympathy, especially pity, and maybe this is why I try to take the high road.  I've learned that keeping it in only makes it worse.  I've also learned that its possible to have gratitude for people you don't even know... and maybe don't even like. When my apartment burned down, my old roommate (who I still strongly dislike - but you know I don't waste hate) reached out to me via text.  I had to ask who it was because I didn't even have her number anymore.  She then said that "I know that I'm the last person you want to talk to right now but let me know if you need anything."  For the record, I know it wasn't as soft-spoken as that, but I don't want to exaggerate what she said.  Either way, I said "you'd be surprised who you'd accept help from in a situation like this."  I don't think she wrote back.  The point to my little story is that you have to be humble and swallow your pride, and be appreciative.  In this particular case, this girl is a Regina and she only had personal motives... but the kind people at the red cross, the staff at my bank, classmates and teachers I just met,, families of my church that i haven't attended in years -- those people helped me without seeking anything in return.

maybe I don't want to be strong.
I have come a long way since the fire.  Surely something else bad had to happen, since I was finally on my feet and doing well.  Three days ago, my mother was alone at work and two men came in with bandanas covering their faces.  They shoved her to the ground, held their guns to her and told her they were taking all the money.  THANK GOD they believed her when she told them she couldn't open the safe, and were satisfied with all the money in the cash drawer.  Those few minutes that my mother laid on the ground, waiting to see if they were going to shoot her for the hell of it, must have felt like an eternity.

I spent all day crying when I found out.  Now, I'm still upset and I still cry, especially when I hear her hurting, but I've reached the "anger stage."  Someone fucked with my mother, and she didn't deserve it.  I am furious with these men who thought they were entitled to shove my mother around, make her fear for her life, and traumatize her forever.

My mom is a tough cookie - where do you think I got it from?  My greatest fear is that she will not be able to cope with this, and will try to be strong.  She deserves to cry, and she needs to break down in order to build herself back up.  Otherwise, she will keep it bottled up inside forever and never be able to move on.  

as much as your friends need to hear how strong they are, the best thing you can do for them is let them be weak.  you don't want to find out later that you weren't there when they needed you most.