Tis the season for new years resolutions. Rather than make a list of unattainable personal goals, I'd like to stick with something that I feel I've told myself I would do, year in and year out. It would be an incredible year if three hundred and sixty five days from now, I could look back and honestly say "I've been true to myself." If only it were so easy.
Too many times to count, I've lost myself in the midst of trying to do for others. I spend so much time trying to make others happy, that I lose track entirely of anything that benefits me. I'm easy to please, by the way. Give me a friday night with my best boy friend, happy hour with one of my girlfriends, and three hours of DVR a week... I'm pretty content.
I can't blame anyone but myself for not taking care of 'me.' I chose to get caught up in things that I thought were right, saying it would come full circle and pay off, and only backfired in the end. But with all those things aside, though they're the toughest to get over, there's more.
I used to spend my free time scrapbooking. Laugh it up... it was a fun hobby, I'm crafty and I like my photo albums to be a little more personalized than a sleeve of pictures. Does anybody know how expensive and time consuming that "little hobby" is? I remember when I was making good money and I bought the Cricut machine for nearly $500. Cash. Who does that? I could have bought a nice watch or a purse if I was going to be so wasteful. Either way, I got my moneys worth out of it. Until the fire, of course.
Losing everything made all of my hobbies seem impossible. Do I buy another scrapbook machine? Do I go to the baking aisle at ACMoore and buy every cupcake stand and cake decorating kit they have? Do I replace my brand new stereo so I can listen to my music? None of it was possible. I didn't even have pictures anymore to scrapbook with anyway, I didn't have all my music from my laptop, it was all gone.
Make no mistake -- I miss those things -- but they aren't what mattered. Losing my grandma's engagement ring, my grandfather's army medals, the pearls my parents gave me on my 18th birthday, the scrapbooks themselves, and Wilbur, the stuffed pig that AJ gave me when I was a freshman in high school. That's the stuff I miss the most.
I may be at a stage right now where I hate my ex. There will be anger, hate, regret, sadness, the whole cycle I'm sure. But let it be known that I dated him when I was in eighth grade, and I am now twenty-four. Do you know that in one of those scrapbooks, I had pictures his sister drew for me in 2001? And the wrapper to an ice cream sandwich we shared and he then nicknamed me "Chip" for Chipwich because of it? And his guitar pick from a show in Spartanburg, SC where we reconnected six years later? These things meant the world to me, then they meant nothing and went in a shoe box in the attic, then I made peace with it and they made it into the scrapbook. Now I would imagine I would have thrown them in the trash with everything else I did after this third, messy break-up.
My point is, can you imagine losing all of your memories like that? I don't wish that on anyone. Although I can name a few people who have said I deserved it... unbelievable, but won't go there. This has been a year where I honestly think I've been at a stand-still. I could say I've been strong, and I've accomplished things, and I'm back on my feet... but it doesn't seem like it right now.
All I want for the new year is for everything to be worth it. I don't want to stop helping people and caring for them. Its what makes me who I am. I care about my friends and protect them and do everything I can for them, and don't think I ask for much in return. Please negativity... stay the heck away and let me finally see what it's like for everything to be worth it in the end!
along came polly
How about that movie? Do you ever have one of those days when you think everything is happening in spite of you? Like why is that lovey dovey chic flic on the day you break up with your boyfriend? Why do you see in the news that someone won a brand new car the day yours broke down? Chances are, you're not the only one having a bad day, and you're not the only one who was watching that channel and cursing the television the same time you were.
Here I am, day after Christmas, alone. Not if you count the Bassett hound I'm dogsitting and the cat who is currently MIA (don't worry, she will wake me up in the middle of the night by staring me right in the face, hovering, and scaring the bejesus out of me). That movie Along Came Polly is on, and I'm thinking, I need myself a Polly. Someone, please come into my life and give me some excitement. Make me stop to smell the roses. I have so much going on, trying to get back on my feet (my apartment burnt down on the first, more on that topic later). My roommates have their boyfriends or their family that come to visit. And don't get me wrong, I have an amazing group of friends who are there for me in a heartbeat. But I used to look forward to solo nights, having the house to myself, and now I'm scared to death to be alone. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and thinking that since one bad thing happened to me, everything's gonna go wrong. I'm going to get robbed, someones going to break in my car at night, the new apartment is going to burn down, something bad is going to happen to someone I love. I think I need a distraction - maybe that will work. If I'm busy like I used to be (doing things I enjoy, not calling every utility and credit card company I know and explaining my billing address is no longer existent), then maybe I'll shake all these bad thoughts.
Maybe even just writing this blog will help me get over all of it. Lets see if I keep writing.
For now, I'm going to watch the rest of this movie.
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